NamedPipe

Usually a 3 or a 4 on scale of 1 to 4 where 1 was the best. That’s consistently what I got in the ‘Exercises good self discipline’ category of all my grade school report cards. While I regularly had everything else rated as a 1 or 2 – you know spelling, math, reading, gets along well with others, etc.

And to this day, schools scare me. Almost to tears when I stand within their walls.

So I stand there tonight with my 8-year-old son, 6-year-old daughter, and 3-year-old daughter at the elementary school open house. Paralyzed. Unable to understand why we do this. Wishing I was in the 3/4 category again and blurted out to everyone, “This is a soul-sucking place where kids go to die.” But I didn’t. I held back as I’ve been trained to do.

I did what I could to cope. I drank before the open house. Didn’t help. I stayed back and uninvolved. Didn’t reduce the welling of my tears.

I should be happy. I’m not unsuccessful. I have a large family (by today’s standards). Get paid well. Drink plenty. Eat well. I read everything put in front of me and have no trouble understanding it. From Coetzee to proofs about P ≠ NP.

So we all went to an open space afterwards. We ran. We climbed levees all the way to the ‘NO TRESPASSING’ signs. We picked apples from the public trees. We climbed trees and threw apples down to the ground to eat. We split them open to see the red-stained inner part and try the only un-rotten part near the core. It was good.

But I really wish I had less self discipline than I do today. I wish I took real risks. Not just read about risky ideas. I wish I got in fights. I wish I had skipped all my schooling.